Monday, July 30, 2012

Let's Get This Started!

Today is the day! At 5:00 tonight I'll be getting induced. I'm extremely anxious. I was unsure of whether or not I was going to bother posting this morning but I feel that it's important to document my feelings so I don't forget them and so other first-time moms can see what I was feeling during this time. So, let's see...

What am I excited for? I get to meet my little girl so soon! I get to hold the child I've been growing inside me for the past nine months. I get to touch my toes again! I'll be able to shave my legs without getting winded. We'll be able to learn more about her heart condition and CCAM. I'll be able to eat pizza without getting heartburn that could burn a house down. I get to watch the Olympics while I'm in the hospital (don't laugh, we don't have any TV stations at our house and we're too cheap for cable)! 
What am I scared for? The IV, the epidural (still undecided about getting it at this point...), the possibility of a c-section, and the induction not working. I'm afraid of not being able to handle the stress of labor and that I'll have some sort of embarrassing panic attack. I'm afraid that a doctor I've never met will have to deliver her, even though one I've met is on call. I'm afraid that I'm going to make a complete fool of myself screaming like a maniac (Please don't sit here and tell me it's okay to be as obnoxious as I want. Yes, I understand that I'll be in labor and a little hysteria is to be expected, but I'd like to maintain a bit of composure. Call me crazy, call me stupid. I don't care. Just know that if you are going to start lecturing me about how it's completely acceptable to make myself look like an idiot, I will freak out on you. This is a goal I have for myself, don't tell me to give up on it.) 
What stresses me out the most? Not knowing if I've got everything I need packed and ready to go, and not knowing if we have everything we'll need for her. Not knowing what her health needs are going to be. 
What am I expecting? At our last measurement, one week ago, she was weighing in at 7lbs 10oz. I'm expecting her to weigh around 8lbs even at birth. I was dilated to 1cm last Monday so hopefully I'll have progressed some by now. I'm hoping to be at 2-3cm when they start induction. If I am at 3cm, I'm expecting labor to be between 15-18 hours. If I'm not at 3cm yet, I'm expecting closer to 25-30 hours. I'm wishing for closer to 12-15, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm expecting contractions to be awful, but I am hoping that my pain tolerance will surprise me (and everyone else) so I will be able to opt out of an epidural. I'm expecting that I'll probably end up caving in and getting it though, and then regretting it later(because I would love to do it without, not because I want the pain). I'm expecting to almost break my husband's fingers from squeezing them so tight. I'm expecting my phone to be ringing off the hook, but please know that I won't be answering it! If and when I want to talk to you, I'll call you. Please do not harass me while I'm in labor.
What am I not expecting? I'm not expecting it to be easy, but I'm not expecting a horror story either. Some people have told me awful stories about tearing so bad they need like 40 stitches, or bleeding so bad that they soak two pads an hour for weeks. I don't think it's going to be that bad. I've done a really good job about keeping myself in decent physical condition. I didn't let my body go too bad. I'm not expecting people to understand why I didn't have my family come down for today. It would be different if they could come for a few hours, then go home for the night and come back the next day. With military life, we don't really have that luxury. When family comes to visit, they're here. They're in our house, adding extra work whether they mean to or not. Usually that's fine, in fact, it's awesome! If it were a normal day, I would absolutely LOVE for my family to be here, but I'm not going to be up to taking care of an extra group of people, along with a newborn, right after delivery. Again, please don't lecture me and say that they'll be able to take care of themselves and they won't expect me to be up and social... My husband and I have made our decision. It would be a better investment for us and our families to have them wait until we're both adjusted to the life of parenthood. That way we'll actually be able to spend quality time with them. If you don't understand, that's fine, but please don't judge us for our decision. 
What else am I feeling? I'm somewhat irritated. I feel like I'm going to be judged for not having family here. I feel that I'm going to be judged for being young. I'm extremely appreciative of those who have been understanding through all of this and have let my husband and I make our own decisions. I'm thankful for those who haven't asked for a million explanations and haven't tried to force other decisions upon us. I'm thankful for those who have answered my questions about motherhood, labor and delivery,. I'm thankful for the support of some of the best friends I could ask for. I'm nervous that I won't be able to do enough for Adalin once she's here. I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold her right away because of her potential health problems. I'm hopeful that everything will go smoothly, but there's always the possibility of complications. I'm super excited and anxious and giddy!

I'm going to ask one last time that nobody lectures me about anything I've said in this blog. I have goal for myself. I have fears. I have expectations. I have feelings that nobody will be able to change. I ask that you all be supportive of this. If you've got something to say that you have the slightest feeling might tick me off, please don't say it. Please don't ruin this experience for my husband and I. I really don't want to look back on this event and think, "Wow! Do you remember how obnoxious so-and-so was when we were in the hospital?" or "Remember how I cussed out this person because they kept doing... while I was in labor?" Let my husband and I have this experience and make the most of it, please. We will be posting pictures on our Facebook pages, and on here as soon as I'm able. As long as baby and I are both doing well, I'll try to post a short entry the day after she's born. No promises though!

Wish me luck! Seven hours to go!

God Bless ♥ Vi