Thursday, February 28, 2013

Adalin's Future

Tonight, Adalin threw up all over me (which is a very rare occurrence since she was about 3 months old). For some reason, it just made my heart ache.

When I think about how much she's already been through in her seven months of life, I feel so helpless. The most extensive "surgery" I've ever had is getting my wisdom teeth pulled. I sit here pondering what Adalin's life is going to be like after having 1/3 of her lung removed.

Every time she goes to a new doctor, she will have to explain what a CCAM is. She will have to tell them how she got that big ole scar on her back. For every physical, she will have to explain that she had major surgery at five months old. It's something that will never go away.

I know that I'm not to blame for her CCAM. There is no known cause. I can't try to change what she's been through, and I have to be grateful that I now have a 100% healthy, happy baby. I just wish she wouldn't have had to go through everything that she has.

It kills me to think about everything that she will have to go through later in life. It kills me to know that one day a boy is going to break my daughter's heart. It kills me to realize that one day, someone is going to make her think she isn't perfect the way she is, that she's too skinny, too tall, too loud, too confident... I absolutely hate that some day, Adalin is going to change something about herself, simply because society thinks she should.

I feel so guilty for bringing her into this cruel world. I can only hope that I can raise her to love every element of her being, and to not listen to all of the harsh expectations of our generation. I want my daughter (along with future children) to be whoever she wants to be, and to be happy that she is exactly that: herself.

God bless ♥ Vi