Thursday, April 04, 2013

Let's Be Real

A very close friend of mine pointed out to me today that I tend to come off like everything is always good on here. I feel obligated to let my followers know that I do have down days. I'm not some crazy super woman who isn't phased by deployment.

Today for example, was rainy and nasty. It was just gloomy, even with family here it was an off day. My husband and I had a good talk about just being ready for deployment to be done. We are so ready to have all of this be over so we can return to our normal lives. I'm tired of him missing everything. Even though he had the extreme privilege to be able to see our daughter two months ago, seeing how much she's changed since then (let alone since he initially left) just makes my heart ache. Just since he was here for her surgery, she's started crawling, pulling herself up on things, eating tons of different foods, saying new "words," and so much more. She's more aware of her surroundings every single day, especially food (sorry this is blurry):

Scoping out Grandma's Pie
I hate that he's missing this. No matter how many phone calls, Facebook messages, or Skype conversations we have... he isn't here. We can't change that. We can't fake that. Bottom line: he's missing everything. Pictures and videos just don't do her justice. Adalin took to him really quickly when he was here on leave, and we can only hope that the same will happen when he's actually home "for good."

So much changes in 9 months. Deployment can make relationships stronger or tear them apart. For us, it has brought both challenges and stronger bonds. We fight, disagree, and struggle to feel a specific connection sometimes. But through it all, we get stronger. We're striving to grow, to love ourselves, and to love each other more every day.

Deployment has brought on a lot of guilt for me. I feel extremely guilty for sitting at home playing with Adalin while my husband is in a war zone. I feel like that is grounds for resentment from him. I thank the Lord every day that Jimmy doesn't resent me. He's so reassuring that someone has to do what I'm doing. If I was working, we would be paying someone to do what I do. I feel like I should be contributing more to our family, and often forget that I'm the one taking care of the homefront. Whenever I'm feeling insecure about this, my husband reminds me that it's okay.

These things are just a few things that I've been struggling with the last few weeks. There's more, but what fun is the negative to read? That's why I try to keep this blog as positive as I can. Writing positive makes me feel better, and gives others courage to push through. My next post will be encouraging again. I'll post my March progress pictures by the weekend!

God Bless ♥ V