The closer homecoming gets, the more I add to my to-do list. I am stressed. When I say stressed, I mean on the verge of a mental breakdown. Not really, but still... I don't recall a time in life that I was so stressed. I'm anxious. I'm nervous to see how everything goes. So now (xx amount of time) away from homecoming, here are my biggest stressors:
- Baby A: She is driving me nuts. About a week ago, she started this whimper thing. I'm not exactly sure how to type the sound, so imagine a puppy whimpering when he's waiting to go outside... all. the. time. Seriously, it's constant. When she wakes up, whimper. When I change her diaper, whimper. When she's playing, whimper. When she's exploring the house, whimper. When she's eating, whimper. When she's happy, whimper. When she's upset, whimper. I think you get the point, but this list could seriously go on and on. I am going insane. I don't know how to break her of it. There's nothing wrong, she's not in pain, or hungry, or anything... she just wants attention constantly. I'm seriously going crazy though. Aside from the whimper, I'm stressing to see how she's going to take to her daddy. She was nine weeks when he left, and now she's almost eleven months. She's a completely different baby. Most of the time, she takes to strangers really well... so hopefully she's come back to him as well as she did when he was here on emergency leave. Only time will tell.
- My house: It can't be clean enough. I've deep cleaned my carpets twice in the last week, and am feeling the itch to do it again. I'm vacuuming like a mad woman, and steaming my hard floors constantly. I've been scrubbing the walls, the bathtubs, the sinks, the counters... everything. I've been crazy with laundry. I'm trying to reorganize absolutely everything. My closet is a mess, and is not prepared for another person's wardrobe. There's just not enough time in a day.
- Food: My husband loves food. He like really loves food. So when I ask him "What do you want for dinner your first night home?" and he replies with "Whatever works..." I'm anxious. What on earth am I going to make? This will be his first home cooked meal in a long time and I want it to be something to remember.
- Reintegration: I don't even know where to start on this one. A few months ago, I went to a reintegration class designed for spouses. They went over the various challenges that we may face as we readjust to living in the same country, let alone the same house. No matter how much we don't want things to change, they will change. Everything has changed. We have new furniture, my hair is lighter and longer, I weigh less, Adalin is way different, our dog is calmer, our yard has more grass, I started using almond milk instead of 2%, there's more home decor... some of those things seem so minor, but all of these little changes are a lot to take in. Our relationship is used to being stretched over 7,000 miles... to adjust to living in the same 1400 square feet is absolutely going to be an adjustment. I'm used to being a "single mom," so adjusting to having a constant helping hand is going to be interesting. Cooking... as I said food is a stressor. I can probably count on two hands how many good homemade meals I've made since he left. Adjusting to just being able to call him is going to be crazy. Everything is going to take time to adjust.
- Block Leave: We don't know when exactly it is, we don't know exactly what we're doing. We know we're going to Michigan, but we're not sure for how long. There are lots of things we want to do at home, but we also just want to spend time with family. I already know that there are going to be arguments because we're not spending enough time with this person or we aren't doing that often enough... There's just not enough time to please everyone. There never will be. I'm already anticipating this drama and I really don't want to deal with it.
- Getting Back to "Normal:" I miss "normal." I'm tired of having half of my little family on the other side of the world. I'm ready to have our house back to its regular self. Things have been so out of whack for the last nine months. I'm ready to start our normal routine again. Wake up, he goes to PT and I make breakfast. He comes home for a shower and food, and goes to work, while I hang out with Adalin and clean/make lunch. He comes home for lunch or we meet him on post. Then he goes back to work, just to come home in time for dinner. Then we snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie or some quality CBS comedies until it's time for bed. I want that. I want our little family of three (or five if you include the dogs), to get back to normal. I know that the normal we will hopefully get back to soon will not be the same normal as we had nine months ago, but I'm ready for it. I'm just tired of the changing. I want things to settle, to be steady. I am far to anxious for the day that everything seems back to normal again.
I guess that wraps up my top stressors for now. I'm still very anxious, but I'm much calmer than I expected to be at this point in deployment. I went through about a week of intense excitement and anxiety, but now I'm just drained. I just want him back. I want him home.
God Bless ♥ V