Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Exhaustion

Exhaustion has officially set in. I'm whooped. The last four weeks have been torturous. That's right, it's been four weeks of ear infections for Miss A. We have been to Winn so many times this week, I'm starting to lose count. She's been poked, prodded, and traumatized by all the medical attention she has received lately. Today, we went in for a check-up; no shots, no medicine, no tests. All we went in for was to check her ears, and to get answers for about a million questions. The second she saw the nurse, freak out. The second I put her on the scale, freak out. The second the doctor walked in the room, freak out. I'm so exhausted.

I'm so tired of having to sit here helplessly while I listen to my baby cry. I'm tired of not being able to take her pain away. I'm tired of not sleeping because I'm stressed out about her possibly getting tubes, or not getting tubes, or whatever they decide to do. I'm tired of feeling like a bad mom when I need 20 minutes to myself. Literally, I've been locking myself in the bathroom so I can have a few minutes of quiet. I turn the water on, put headphones in, and just tune out the world. But as I'm tuning out her screams, my head fills with it's own screams. All I can think is how I feel like a crappy mom for not being able to take it. I can't take it anymore though, the constant screaming... the hitting... the grouchy baby that is not what I'm used to... I just can't take it. I want my happy, smiley, loving baby back. I want these medicines to work. I want her to feel good. I want to want to spend every waking second with her, and not look forward to my husband coming home solely so he can watch her while I go hide for my mommy time.

I'm just exhausted with everything. I feel like I could sleep for days. I'm off now, to enjoy the next 45 minutes while my poor baby sleeps. I so desperately want her to feel better, I'm making myself sick.

God Bless ♥ V