Thursday, January 29, 2015

Holy Hormones

Today I’m feeling the extreme mood swings that is pregnancy. I’ve spent my week preparing for a trip to Nashville this weekend. While it sounds like an amazing experience, and I know I’ll have fun… I’m honestly completely dreading it. I have a lot of trouble driving more than an hour or two by myself, so this five hour drive should be really interesting. On top of that is something that is weighing really heavily on my heart. 

I have never been more than a few hours away from Miss A, and have only ever been away from her for 24 hours once. While she was sick last May, and I became sick as well, I went home from the hospital to sleep and try to recover while the Mister and Miss A stayed at the hospital trying to get her healed. I was less than 30 minutes away, and talked with my husband frequently for updates. 

Tomorrow, I will be leaving for three days, and traveling over 200 miles away. Sitting here writing this, I bawl. I feel pathetic for feeling this way. She’s almost 2 1/2 years old. It should not be this big of a deal for me to leave her. At the same time, I feel completely justified. There really was no “easing into it” for this trip. She’s never stayed the night at grandma’s, she’s never been with a sitter overnight, she’s never been away from me this long. She’s sick again, and has been a total mama’s girl this week. I feel guilty for leaving her. I feel like I’m abandoning her. ‘

But again, as I type, I feel even more guilty for feeling this way because I know my husband is completely capable of taking care of her. She loves her daddy, just as much as he adores her. They don’t get much one-on-one time, and I know it’s important for them to build a relationship on their own. He has been forced to leave her for several weeks and months at a time, and has taken it in stride. I choose to leave for two nights and am a complete wreck.

I just don’t know how to cope with these feelings of guilt, anxiety, and mild depression. As minor as it may seem to most people, I’ll be missing her two and a half “birthday” during my trip. It’s little things like this that I cherish. Even though my husband has missed far more (nine months of her first year, the first food, first crawl, first steps, first words, second birthday, you name it…. Thanks, Army), I hate missing things with her. 

On top of all of this… I so desperately need a break. Being solely responsible for her from the time she goes to bed until my husband gets home the following evening (roughly 21 hours, 5 days a week), I am going legitimately crazy. I haven’t had any “me time” in a long time. I’ve never done anything like this for myself or my career… yet I still find myself feeling incredibly guilty for doing so. I don’t know if it’s a swift kick in the rear that I need, or a really really long hug, but I need something. 

This weekend will definitely be one that I remember forever, whether it’s for good things or bad. I am praying that I’m able to get these hormones under control for the next few days so I can enjoy my “time off” and actually learn and grow from this trip. Prayers for strength and sanity would be greatly appreciated through tomorrow and the weekend. 

I’m off to go pack and try to hold it together tonight.

God Bless ♥︎ V