Sunday, February 12, 2017

When Everything isn't Enough.

This week has been hard. This month has been hard. Tonight, I'm exhausted. Between attempting (and failing) to night wean my sweet boy and losing so much sleep to his cries, and the stress of completely changing our life in the next few weeks... I'm just physically and mentally exhausted. I'm feeling burt out in all aspects of life.

My grandma has been in the hospital for a week and is not doing well. I'm stressed and scared for her, as well as for my grandpa and mom. My mom has been gone extra long every day trying to take care of them, and herself. So I'm trying to take care of her, but I feel like I'm failing. The house is a mess, we've had more frozen food this week than I care to admit, and laundry is piled higher than ever.

I'm grouchy because I'm not sleeping, and I'm stressed. It's making me have a short fuse, especially with the kids. and that makes me feel guilty. I feel like I'm not being the mom I should be. And that makes me so sad.

And now I'm faced with finding a "normal" job because I need insurance for my babies and myself. So I'll now be going from spending all but 8 hours a week with my boy (and all but 7 hours a day with my girl) to spending about two hours per day with them while they're awake. It breaks my heart. I'm scared, and anxious, and upset that someone else is about to start raising my kids.

Even more so, I'm sad because I feel relieved. I am so burnt out from the screaming and the arguing, and the constant noise. I'm relieved to know that I'm about to get to spend eight hours a day with adults, who don't scream and cry when they drop their fork, and who don't throw things that shouldn't be thrown, and who don't need to be touching me 11 hours a day to remain calm. I hate myself for feeling relieved, but I do. I need a break. Being a single mom for the last six months has taken a major toll on my sanity and identity. Even with an incredible support system, I just feel so exhausted.

Dealing with all of these emotions, trying to process, and remain calm and reliable for these babies.... I'm just so tired. I've come to the conclusion that there really aren't words to describe all of this. I just feel like my everything isn't enough for anything. My everything isn't enough mom for them. My everything wasn't enough to provide for them from home. My everything wasn't enough to keep my husband happy. And all of this everything is just too much :(